158-Near Miss

Eighteen years ago now, some enterprising and god-fearing individual decided to put billboards with quotes from god up all around Miami in an effort to get people thinking about deity and their lives. He chose to remain anonymous so that the attention would be centered not on himself, but on the Master of the Universe. (Not He-Man.)

The billboards were intended to run for three months, and then be done with. However, Eller Media and the Outdoor Advertising Association of America kindly donated approximately fifteen million dollars of billboard space to spread the Word. (The word of that anonymous guy in Miami, that is.)

At first the billboards struck me as nice. They were good-natured, lightly inspirational, and occasionally humorous.

Let’s meet at My house Sunday, before the game.

C’mon over and bring the kids.

Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer.

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.

Need directions?


Tell the kids I love them.

After a while though I started to notice a change in tone. Had Mr. Miami-god gotten impatient? Was god forgetting his New Testament attitude adjustment and reverting to his bad old ways? As the billboards seemed to change in tone I noticed that my patience with them dropped dramatically. They went from provoking a smile to provoking irritation. Even the boards that appeared intended to be funny seemed ominous and threatening.

What part of “Thou shalt not…” didn’t you understand?

We need to talk.

That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…I meant that.

You think it’s hot here?

Big Bang Theory, you’ve got to be kidding.


My way is the highway.

Last year, the person responsible for the first run of god billboards started a new campaign. Apparently, he feels that god is still peeved with us. Also, god has started to develop a bit of a political streak. I feel that this is a little unfair, though I guess it doesn’t technically break any rules. After all, we can’t endorse any religion with our government, but there are no parallel rules for god about endorsing government with his religion. Does that seem right to you?

One nation under me.

All I know… is everything.

If you must curse, use your own name!

Life is Short, Eternity isn’t.


The real Supreme Court meets up here.

So I’ve written a few billboards of my own. I figure I’m just as qualified as some guy in Miami. (Certainly I haven’t seen any proof that I’m not.) Plus, it’d be fun to see what the rest of you can come up with. After all, if god is everywhere and all things, it stands to reason that we all speak for him.

I think we should sign the bottom of each billboard Your Buddy God, which will set our boards apart from the Miami boards while still not confusing anyone. It’s also a nod and a wink to Kevin Smith, who is a bit of a hero of mine.

No employee of mine will ever ask you for your credit card number.

I don’t give a crap if your team wins.

Masturbation is intended to keep you from killing each other.

Now I don’t care, but Jesus says Communion really hurts.


Why is it I create the Universe in six days and you think YOU get Sunday off?

So give it some thought, and give me your best god-quotes. I’m sure you guys can do better than me.

2 Responses to 158-Near Miss

  1. I don’t care what server you play on.
    You get me out of bed and THIS is all you want to pray about?
    … and just because I can’t resist “I’ll show you a ‘Noodly Appendage’!”

    I’m afraid it’s too late and I’m too tired to be funny.
    “Hey, you know, f*** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer. “

  2. Ask not what G-D can do for your country, ask why your country thinks it’s G-D.

    I made 613 rules, said you only had to follow 7, and yet you can’t even get the first one about “I am the lord, your G-D, there is no other, you shall not bow down to graven images, you shall have none before me” right. Where do you get this idea about a father, a son you can see and have made graven images of, and a spirit?

    I wanna make you an offer you shouldn’t refuse.

    Where do you get that on the first day I made the Moon? I said let there be light, and there was the Sun… that is why it is called Sunday!

    I said love they neighbor, not hate them because you disagree with their sexual preference, color, gender, or religion.

    If I want a war, I will start it, you just make peace and be peaceful… or else I’ll make you pieces.