134-Set and Match!

Wal-Mart to face possible charges of treason, sedition, and terrorism in U.S.

Affiliated Press report
Bentonville Arkansas

April 1st, 2007

Officials investigating last week’s apparent suicide of Wal-Mart Chief Executive Officer H. Lee Scott have uncovered extensive and compelling documentation strongly linking the retail giant to Chinese interests hostile to America. The papers affirm that Wal-Mart has been in collusion with sectors of Chinese government actively working towards a goal of overthrowing America’s position as a global leader of technology, industry, and economics.

Wal-Mart’s largest trading partner is the Chinese government, and their business with China alone accounts for 10% of the U.S. trade deficit with that nation. (As of 2004.) According to the Scott documents, the profits from this trade go toward establishing Chinese dominance in the world market, and defeating American interests.

Weakening the Structure

Ancillary to Chinese trade agreements, again quoting the Scott papers, are Wal-Mart’s stated strategies for weakening the structure of American family life. The papers cite over one hundred tactics by which Wal-Mart stores may be employed in this fashion. Wal-Mart is the largest employer in America, and is capable of reducing the prevailing wages of a geographical location by it’s very presence there. This forces the citizenry to look for better deals, driving them to shop at the same store responsible for reducing their income. Additionally, by driving independently owned businesses into bankruptcy, Wal-Mart accomplishes the goals of the Chinese government by ripping up community leadership, fracturing the American dream, and forcing entire neighborhoods to consume higher-fat, higher-calorie food such as that typically sold by Wal-Mart grocers. These foods encourage obesity, and not only drag down American productivity, but also drain away enormous sums of capital from fields such as technology and schooling, and into medical insurance and bogus weight-loss schemes.

The average Wal-Mart customer has a below average income, and a 20% chance of having no bank account — more than twice the national average. They are 76% likely to have voted for Bush over Kerry, and describe themselves as “significantly more conservative” than those who do not shop at Wal-Mart. They have 15% higher rates of alcoholism, 23% greater chances of colon cancer, 40% above the average rate of divorce, and are 30% more likely to watch day-time talk television. Nearly half are bed-wetters. In short, they are what the Chinese government considers to be the model American citizen. Soft, ignorant of world affairs, easily led, and valuing a good deal over the well being of themselves or their nation.

Legal Action

Although traceable accounts of the activities detailed in the Scott papers are available for more than the last twenty years, Wal-Mart executives flatly deny any corporate involvement. Company spokesman Wes Samson said at a recent press meeting, “China who?”

President Bush has been widely quoted as denouncing the entire affair, and categorically stating that H. Lee Scott, a close friend of the president’s, was a good, patriotic American who could have had no part in such things. At the Cattleman’s Club in Lubbock Texas Bush said, “Oh yeah, that China thing. Of course I knew about it. I know things. I’m a knower. I don’t know why I have to keep explaining to people that I… that I… know stuff. Cuz I do. Know stuff. Y’know what I’m sayin’?”

At a White House press conference Scott McClellen further explained the President’s position. “As a religious man the President often is in communication with God, as he was on this evening. At such times he often speaks in tongues, the language of the angels. At this particular juncture the President’s actual meaning was (here McClellen indicates “air quotes”) ‘ I denounce the entire affair, and categorically state that H. Lee Scott, a close friend of mine, was a good, patriotic American who could have had no part in such things.’ ”

The FBI has stated their intention not to pursue the case, claiming it not to be as profitable as chasing down the children who steal their dead parent’s credit cards, nor as much fun as posing as customers to bust prostitutes.

Next Week at the Affiliated Press: President Bush puts the final nail in the coffin for Stem Cell Research. Scientologists rejoice.

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