130-The Cheap Seats

(If you want to skip to the end and hit the link for the new song, go ahead. All this stuff will still be here when you get back!)

Okay, two quick things to get out of the way first. Number one, I finally saw Oklahoma! tonight. (Movie night at Grandmother’s house.) I thought it was only going to be hokey. It was that, but so much more besides. If you have any room at all in your jaded modern hearts for happy Rogers and Hammerstein musicals, watch this movie. It was a hundred times as entertaining as I expected it to be.

Number two, I also saw Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader tonight. It was amusing — for a game show, but good lord where do they find these contestants? A 38 year old CEO of his own realty firm thought that half of 144 was 24, and that California was west of Alaska. They have to screen these people for grades. If you made better than a “D” average in grade school, you’re out!

Okay, now to the exciting stuff! A few weeks ago Lena forwarded me a response to an email she had received from a guy named Andrew. Seem this guy wrote music for people and sold it online, and Lena, knowing that I’ve wanted a sort of “theme song” for HOLE since I got started contacted him and had been asking him questions. Once she began getting answers, she passed the ball and her blessing to me.

Andrew sells his stuff through his website at songstowearpantsto.com and has a bunch of samples he has created for other customers available for the listening so you can get an idea of what he’s about. People ask for songs written about their friends, their pets, their kitchen appliances, fiancees, you name it. I went there and listened to one or two (or twenty) to try and make up my mind if he would be a good fit. There were tons of different styles and approaches and some of the weirdest customer requests, but across the board I was struck by three things. One, they were uniformly quality tunes. Even the most bizarre requests were handles with skill and professionalism. Two, when people asked for something, they always got it. Folks that gave this poor fellow a laundry list of items that needed to be in their ode to dirty socks got back a song crammed with a laundry list of goodies that, seemingly impossibly, still sounded good. And third, everything was handled with a truly refreshing wit and charm that just made me want smile. I felt like I had my man.

Andrew himself was a dream to work with. He was upbeat, complimentary, very easy to get along with, and took my ideas and added some really cool flavors and directions. I was able to write the lyrics for the song myself, while Andrew wrote the music and performed the piece. (Though he could just as easily written the lyrics himself, as I believe he typically does.) I attribute his politeness to his being Canadian, though the talent is all his. LOL!

So, without further ado I present to you the first HOLE song. Lyrics by Kevin Pettway, Music and vocals by Andrew of songstowearpantsto.com.

.: Enkidu: A Stalwart Wizard :.

I watched as you walked into the Whip.
Ebony long legs and shapely hip.
But Freya, you gave me a surprise,
when you pointed your longsword between my eyes.
You still say that you accidentally lost your grip.

I may be a stalwart wizard,
I may be able to fight.
I may even know my wrong from my right.
But all anyone ever sees,
is a half-orc on his knees,
they revel, and they dance to see my plight.

Morty could heal my wound or so he said,
But every time I asked him he was dead.
Freya was forgotten when I met Fleece,
although kissing elves feels like gargling bacon grease.
I guess I’d rather pound nails with my forehead.

I may be a stalwart wizard,
I may be more than brawn.
I may even think Bunker’s brains are gone.
But all anyone’s ever known,
is a half-orc, all alone.
Maybe halfling lungs really don’t make good cologne.

Martin is a source of dread,
with squirrels he paints trees red.
And Bunker, who thinks he’s superior,
someday my sword will see your interior.
Unless I can make Fleece hate you more instead.

I may be a stalwart wizard,
I may be getting mad.
I may be about to redefine the word bad.
My friends are humans, elf, and a troll,
being their half-orc, is my role,
and together we all make the mighty HOLE!

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