102-Starstruck

(My father-in-law sent me a funny email today blasting liberals and praising conservatives. I happen to think both sides are deluded so I wrote my own version. Enjoy.)

Humans originally existed as small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on berries, roots, and small game during the warm months and larger game and fried meats and fruits during the cold.

The two most important events in all of human history were the discovery of fire and the invention of agriculture. These were the foundation of all civilization and combined were the original impetus behind the eventual splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives

With the discovery of fire, mankind was able to cook and preserve food, as well as have light and scare away predators, which resulted in everyone getting a lot more sleep. Early man moved into caves — which, being less numerous than the men themselves, gave them all something new to fight about.

Agriculture proved a more efficient means of providing food and led to Free Time. Free Time in turn led to Football, Nascar, and Gun Clubs. This was the beginning of the Conservative Movement.

Conservatives quickly became closely associated with obsessively manicured lawns, xenophobia, and conspicuous consumption. Fittingly they chose as their symbol the most aggressive land animal on the planet with the largest footprint, the elephant.

Those who stayed at home and tended the crops became, by default, Liberals. They didn’t really have much in common with each other and could almost never agree on anything, but the one thing they did know was that they didn’t want to be Conservatives, so the label stuck. The Liberals had a vote for what animal to use as their symbol. The three leading contenders were the Grizzly Bear, the Golden Eagle, and a can of dolphin-safe tuna. The Golden Eagle won by a nose, but was unable to produce viable offspring due to DDT poisoning and was eventually replaced by the Ass because one happened to be close by when the old bird finally died. Most observers believe this was for the best anyway.

Liberals originally vastly outnumbered the cantankerous Conservatives, but there were constantly defections amongst the ranks. The largest of these was a group who believed that a giant fairy made the whole universe inside of six days out of a thumbtack and an empty cereal box, and thereafter had nothing better to do than sit in an enormous golden deck chair on top of a cloud and voyeuristically watch the humans. This group was collectively known by everyone else as the Fugging Crazies.

The primary tenant of the Crazies’ faith was that they were better than everybody else. This didn’t sit well with the Liberals who all felt a bit insecure anyway over their decision not to carry guns and at the same time allow rednecks to drink at eighteen. The Conservatives, on the other hand, were thrilled to find a group the could claim to belong to and immediately become superior to everyone around them. (They had been building bigger and bigger guns all the time, and were getting a bit insecure themselves over what their women suggested they might be compensating for.)

Today one can find Conservatives in a wide variety of jobs. Big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally any type of employ that either kills, destroys, steals, or thinks they’re God. Liberals by contrast can be found in the movie industry, as musicians, artists, class action attorneys, green industry analysts, and any other type of job where they can make enormous sums of money and still pretend to be poor.

Famous Liberals include Thomas Jefferson, Franklin Roosevelt, and Susan Sarandon. Famous Conservatives include Ronald Reagan, Mel Gibson, and Adolph Hitler. Liberals drink European beer out of the mistaken belief that anything has got to be better than this, and Conservatives drink domestic because they believe drinking anything from Europe will turn them queer.

Here ends today’s lesson in human history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative doesn’t know how to work his computer and doesn’t trust “the internets” anyway, so he probably didn’t see it to begin with.

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