50-One Beer to Rule Them All

I always wanted to have family traditions. You know, like Dr. Phil and Robin’s Taco Friday or how the Huxtables sang together or any corny, sweet old thing. You know, not like my family’s traditions of fighting over the Christmas tree, or fighting over packing for vacation, or everyone’s favorite, fighting over who started the last fight. So I invented Pampered Wife Night.

Now Pampered Wife Night grew out of innumerable conversations with my wife that sounded something like this: (Skip ahead if you’ve already heard it.)

“I didn’t really want to see that movie.”

“Well why didn’t you say so?”

“I didn’t think you wanted to see the movie I wanted to see.”

“But I didn’t care which movie we saw.”

“You already know I hate movies like that. I told you six years ago I hate movies like that. You never listen to me. I was miserable the whole time and now I have a headache. It’s just like the last time we went to the movies. We always see what you want to see!”

“But…why didn’t you just say you wanted…”

“You never listen to me!”

Enter Pampered Wife Night. This is a day when the wife gets anything she wants. Anything. She wants to spend six hours in the mall looking at the same five pairs of shoes in sixty different stores? Great! She wants me to touch up her roots or paint her toenails? I’m up for that! She wants to go watch the latest Hugh Jackman/Jennifer Anniston/Matthew McConaughey/Renée Zellweger/Julia Roberts/Joseph Fiennes movie—or maybe watch all those Oprahs accumulating on the Tivo? Let’s go.

The point here is that the wife can ask for anything she wants completely guilt-free. She needs not consider the feelings of her husband in the least. (Apologizing is the only thing she is not allowed to do.) Now you husbands out there who are thinking I have lost my mind, hold on for just a second. There are three very good reasons why Pampered Wife Night might be right for you. 1.) It’s a nice, and mostly free gift that your wife will love you for. 2.) It’s the one night of the week you aren’t trying to guess what will make your wife happy. She will tell you. Check your brain at the door and smile, your anxieties can take a break. 3.) If you do a good enough job, she will want to reciprocate. And on Man Day, you can rule the house with an iron riding crop. Fetch that beer, lose that shirt, on yer knees! Yar!

Just remember, a marriage worth having is a marriage worth working for. You will get out of it what you put into it, and when Oprah has hot chicks like Uma Thurman and Teri Hatcher on her show, you don’t even have to listen.

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