Monthly Archives: November 2009

589 – Da Boss • 04


It’s the third installment of Dear DM! Enjoy, and don’t forget to post more questions below!

Dear DM

@Simon: Dear DM, hello i am only 12

can you tell what is happy belly?

why was violat sittign on bunker lap with no cloths one it not comfrtabl a coupl of pages bak?

who is orctongue is it endiku secret identiy?

Dear Simon,

When two grown-ups love each other very much, they go into their bedroom at night and draw smiley faces on each others’ tummies with magic markers. That’s a happy belly. Well, that and an orgasm. Ask your mom.

Violet’s clothes were eaten by tigers and her chairs were all out at the laundry.

Orctongue is the superhero, Enkidu is the secret identity. Although when you think about it, Enkidu isn’t keeping it a secret when he yells out that he is Orctongue, so in any case it isn’t a very effective secret identity. Obviously he should have been wearing glasses.

By the way, you should be spending less time reading webcomics and more time at school. Seriously. Twelve year olds do NOT write like that.

@A Cousin: Dear DM, I liked Violet better when her boobs were hanging out. Can you please address this vitally important issue?

Dear A Cousin,

What are you, a commie? Right-thinkin’ Amuricans know to be scared of boobies hangin’ out all over the place. I think I smell some french fries comin’ offa this here question! Is that right… Frenchie? Amuricans eat Freedom Fries, get fat, and are ashamed of themselves and their boobies, the way GOD intended!

So… yeah, I’ll get on that.

@Alan: Dear DM, When I am assuming the honorable mantle of DM, my players consistently get hung up on some part of a description that I merely added as a side detail to a main description. This results in quite long (And unprepared for) side quests.

Other than outright telling the players not to do this, or using NPCs to tell characters not to do this, I am not sure what to do.

Dear Alan,

There are many different ways to handle this one, and a lot depends on your players. If you think the direct approach might help, just tell them, “This is not the adventure. The adventure is the thing you actually came here for”. If they persist, then wrap the game there, and tell them you’ll have a new adventure next week based on the slightly less red-colored stone they found on the side of the road amongst all the other slightly more red-colored ones.

Other, less game-intrusive ways include the “All Roads Lead to Doom” strategy, wherein you turn each distraction they find into a “clue” which takes them back into the adventure. “Looking at the slightly less red-colored stone you found on the side of the road amongst all the other slightly more red-colored ones, you recall that the evil Earl Bad Nose of Skullduggershire likes to suck on reddish-colored rocks! He has passed this way!” Another way is the “Dragon of a Different Color” tactic, which is almost the same as All Roads, except it allows the players to feel like rebels. With this one, you allow the players their tangent, and send them on the same adventure you’ve already prepared, you just change all the names so they get to think they’re doing something different. “Abandoning your search for the evil Earl Bad Nose of Skullduggershire, you take a moment to look at the slightly less red-colored stone you found on the side of the road amongst all the other slightly more red-colored ones. Suddenly you see another. And another beyond that. After a short time following the trail, you realize that they lead straight to the keep of the evil Baron Mean Ear of Rapscallionville!”

@Jesse: Dear DM, If a Titan is beat down to 1 HP, and a rouge hits it with a slingstone for 1 HP of damage- does the comparatively miniscule slingstone actually kill the Titan? Or should the DM look at the rouge and say “you gotta be joking”?

Dear Jesse,

I don’t have any rouges in my game, though there is a nice mascara that hardly runs at all when my players make me cry…

I would say that this is a question of perspective and imagination, and gives you an excellent opportunity to stretch your storytelling skills. To begin, a rogue doesn’t just walk up and whack the titan’s last hit point off of his forehead, instead the intrepid ne’er-do-well Jimmy Two-Fingers fires an incredibly well-placed bullet at the titanic engine of malice… perhaps the best shot of his career… striking it so precisely, and with exactly the correct amount of force, that the murderous creature is felled with the sound of a toppled redwood, to lie twitching, staring uncomprehendingly at the sky as his life’s blood leaks from his nose and mouth.

Kinda depends on whether you want the rogue to be the joke or the hero.